


Five times Fenris made soup in January and one time he did not

by Anonymous



Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: 5+1 Things, Crack, Crack Fic, LITERALLY, M/M, Slow Burn, some nsfw be ready, we are not sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-31 09:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15116636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Five times Fenris made soup in January and one time he did not





	Five times Fenris made soup in January and one time he did not

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the end notes i beg you

CHAPTER 1

It was a cold January morning. Very cold. Actually it was so cold that Fenris was so cold he wanted to make some soup.

He had never before made some soup. But this was going to change.

And he knew that if something went wrong, his awesome boyfriend could help him. Even tho Anders didn’t cook much – mostly because he doesn’t fucking eat much, you silly – he was still better at Gordon Ramsay than he was. Fenris was bad.

He went to the stove – his own stove now. He took a pot. It was his own, new pot. It had had many good soups in it, but this was going to be the best of them. The absolute best soup.

HE put in some red apples. Then green apples. And a few carrots, because they make your teeth strong. Fenris didn’t know where he got the apples because it waS FUCKING JANUARY but that isn’t important.

He put the stove on high heat, because then it would boil faster even tho he didn’t have any liquid in it. And then it started to cook.

It was a slow burn. 

So slow. Fenris was tired.

But after some slow it was done.

His awesome boyfriend came on the table. Then he sad down. Fenris got him a bowl and put the slow burn soup in it.

Anders gave it a taste. A slow taste.

“This is bad”, Anders said.

He looked Fenris in the eyes. Fenris looked back. Fenris nodded.

“Get fucked”, Fenris sad, calmly. Anders nodded.

He got fucked.

 

CHAPTER 2

The second time Fenris made soup happened to be January again. It was because of the damn flu he had gotten, and maker take him before he let the damn mage help him. So soup it was.

Coming to the kitchen – still as messy and moldy as it had been from that fateful day that involved meeting an overbig Hawke and the other brats – he soon made his way to the cabinet and pulled out a simply pot. 

It was a good, round pot. 

_his_ pot. 

Fenris gave a small smile and set to work. Red apples, green apples, carrots – for your teeth! – and something new this time…. perhaps beans? And so the little, in(uwu)valid beans were dropped into the pot among the other slowly burning ingredients. 

It was going to be a good soup.

The soup was ready just in time when Fenris had made the table look absolutely stunning – oh yes, she was looking _great_ today – and he went to the stove to carry his amazing soup to the table. 

Then it happened. 

His amazing boyfriend – sorry, I mean, the annoying mage came in to the kitchen, startling Fenris. A pained yelp escaped him as the soup betrayed him and _burned_ him !!! 

“fuck!” Fenris cursed,  
“Oh yes please”, smirked the stupid-ass-mage-boyfriend-thingie.

And so they did. 

 

CHAPTER 3

It was going to be a soup day again in January. This time Fenris knew he had practised. Well he hasn’t but it was nice to think so. 

He looked at the amazing beautiful mage of his, the mage who was sleeping on the living room floor. He smiled and asked him, romantically;

“Why the fuck are you on the floor?”

Anders raised his head up and smiled. He loved his angry elf who was so good at cooking he could kill half of the Hightown with the casinogenes in his soups that had only apples and some other shits. 

What a man.

“I am doing yoga”, the mage said, “it is healthy for your food#.

Fenris nodded and went to the kitchen. He took his good, round, hard iron pot from the cabinet. His smile was so strong it could have broken the fucking pot in half.

What a pot.

Fenris put some green apples, carrots (for teeth!) and uwu beans on the pot. He couldn’t find any more red apples, so he put in some red peppers, because they were both red and it was Fenris’ favorite color.

His next super good ingredient was so good Fenris didn’t know what it was. It tasted like salt, and it was white and crystally. Maybe it was salt, we just don’t know. 

Maybe it’s meant to be like that.

We don’t know even that.

The soup burned so slowly it made Fenris’ eyes sad. So sad they started to leak water. It was confusing but luckily it didn’t got into the soup. 

The slow burn was so slow Fenris had time to carry Anders on the table and fuck him there about four times. Then the ready was soup.

“Fenris this is bad”, Anders declared after half spoons of soap.

“I know”, Fenris answered and sighed.

The next time he was going to success.

 

CHAPTER 4

Fenris made some soup in January again.

It was bad again.

Fenris was so sad he played Despacito.

It was a sad day.

 

CHAPTER 5

And so January came upon our little friends again and brought a new year within. Snow fell from the sky, painting the land with a beautiful shade of white and brought joy to kids, the nobles and misery to the poor people of the sewers, who had no shelter and were freezing. Nobles commented that they should work harder and that the elves should return to their own land, so no help came from them. But the beautiful, peaceful blanket the snow had created also silenced the usual sounds of the busy city and even the faint screams of David Gaider about how there couldn’t be snow in Kirkwall, there just _couldn’t_ \- and a new peace had been found. Hawkebear was hibernating, so it might even last a few months this time!

It was a great opportunity for Fenris to celebrate the new peace in his life. And what could be better way to do that than to make soup?

Heading to the kitchen, he gathered the ingredients with a murdering smile on his face. Red apples, green apples, carrots (soon his teeth could bite through metal), the fucking beans this author regrets creating since someone keeps adding UWU on them, red peppers and salt. A lot of salt. For the fucking beans. 

And a new ingredient, to celebrate the fifth annual of the soupJanuary.

Cream.

Cooking went smoothly, as always. The table looked sickening, as always. The boyfriend-mage-thingie came in the wrong time, as always. The fucking soup burned him, as always. 

And so they ate it. The whole soup. 

Outside, snow kept falling. Varric had been lost. May we see him again in spring.

Anders broke the silence. 

“Fen…” He started, “You know, I’ve been thinking…”  
“Yes?” Fenris asked calmly, even though his heart was beating too fast. The fucking salt probably. Or the beans, gotten mad at him for saying they weren’t valid - 

Anders’ voice smashed his train of thought. “If you do this fucking soup one more fucking time, I wont fuck you ever again.”

“oh”

“ever”.

“oh”.

There was only one option, really.

Later, Fenris looked at his good, hard, round, faster, stronger, better pot. 

His pot ☹

‘Maybe the dead rat in it had something to do with the taste’, Fenris thought as he turned away, a tear slipping from his right eye, ‘we’ll never know’.

 

CHAPTER 6

January was cold and dark. So dark he was freezing again.

Anders had finally moved on the couch from he floor, even tho he still did yoga. It was called January Yoga.

Everything was like it had always been. Hairy Hawke was sleeping for months, the house was still moldy, Anders was tired and Sebastian ate snow. Everything was the same. 

Only his pot wasn’t there.

His own pot, Fenris’ pot as it was called. His good, hard, round, faster, stronger, better, adorable iron pot. 

Well it was there but Fenris couldn’t use it. Anders had told him, year ago, that if he ever made the soup again they would never fuck again. Never. Ever. 

It was too much to pay. His January soup would cost the sex. Fenris just.. he couldn’t. 

…he just couldn’t…

The stove was cold as the outside of Kirkwall, and empty, just like the pot. It almost looked lonely. Fenris became moody.

But he couldn’t live without this amazing mage boyfriend and the good fuck. The damned man was sleeping on the couch, probably seeing horrible dreams about the soup he had tasted too many times. And still he was there.

What a man.

Fenris walked to the couch and sat on the floor next to it. Even tho his ass was like Elsa had just shot some ice on it, he smiled and touched Anders’ long nose. 

“Don’t worry, my carrot”, he told him and smiled as best as he could with his now super-sharp teeth, “I will never make the soup again because, I don’t wanna loose you and the .. you know, fucking… 

I love you and … 

I will never loose you..

I’m never gonna give you up, Anders,

Never gonna let you down…

…Never gonna run around and make you soup.

 

Never gonna make you cry,  
NeVEr gonna say goodbye,

.Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.. “

Anders just nodded, “This is so sad Fenris Play Despacito”

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Okay folks 
> 
> THIS WAS A CRACK FIC!!!! 
> 
> I made this with my so randomly about 40 minutes ago, bc they have Italian lessons and they had to translate the sentence "I make soup in January" and it was so funny it somehow .. escalated in this.. We are so sorry.
> 
> We both wrote these chapters on our own so there are different styles but we had a laugh. And Yoo leave a comment and some support!


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